I have just had a great re-connection with male energies, both mine and others men. I have attended an igroup meeting along with fellow warriors from the MKP brotherhood. During our initiation weekend we were challenged to be more honest, both with ourselves and others. To operate in this world with integrity and to challenge our fears and to be of service.
I have been working with these challenges since the warrior training, but I have found that if I am away from this male energy for too long then the challenges become harder to meet. I know now that I need to be around these energies more often and therefore be challenged by fellow warriors in order to keep me honest and strong.
When I awoke this morning I enjoyed the beauty of the day and set forth in my day with joy and I found some secret energy. Yeehaa
I realise that I need a balance in my life in order to find the balance within myself.
I seem to go into caring and it is the caring which exhausts me. It like I can do it for so long and then my exhaustion closes me down and I can care for no-one, even myself. Almost as if my caring is in order to meet some deep seated need within me and when that need is unmet then I stop and withdraw.
I wonder if somehow I mix being of service and caring up? I want to learn how to be of service and yet fully myself in adult behaviour.
I feel that there are depths of honesty and it is fear that holds me from being deeply honest in asking for my needs to be met. An intrinsic fear of refusal/abandonment. Am I good enough to be able to ask for my need to be met?
This is a process of on going work which, I feel, can be helped by these interactions with truly honest men.
They call me to account and hold me responsible.