Engage heart before opening mouth

What is the answer to the rising rate of male suicide?

How can society engender male emotional connection?

Why are men unable to ask for help?

I realise that our world has been dominated by male energy in both beneficent and malevolent ways. I am so fed up of acknowledging the problems of patriarchy and seemingly having to apologies for being a man.

I am a man and I am proud to be me.  

I am on my journey to authenticity and congruence and my mission is:  I create a world of passion and authenticity by being awake, alive and in my heart. 

What is your mission?

I am trying to remember how life was for me before my breakdown......it was a lonely,isolated and fearful place. 

This role of being a man was tough for me. Alongside the societal pressures of breadwinner, troubleshooter, there were the pressures of being a good husband, good employer, all round acceptable guy.

I didn't have a problem being those things but it felt like an act, a pretense.

I have come a long way since and feel more connected to my true self than ever. I feel that I can be me and yet I still feel pressures to conform to a previous default.I know this is my perception but it can be seductive

The Doing not the Being.

Is it the Being that society has a problem with? How would it be if we all woke up and accepted our authentic selves?

Men need to understand that it is OK to cry, to not get it right, not be right all the time, to ask for help,  to be human but who is going to start the ball rolling? Who's job is it?

I believe that it is the responsibility of both men and women to support each other with honesty and integrity. To love and support without judgement or projection.

It is not an intellectual exercise but a heart felt action.

I would offer that it is time to engage our hearts before we open our mouths.

Chemical swirl

The power of silence

How often do we take the time to be in silence?
For many people of all ages and other differences the mere thought of silence is too much. Too overwhelming to contemplate.
What is it within silence that creates such fear?
Without external interference then we have no choice but to listen to ourselves. To have to pay attention to all our insecurities, fears, feelings and emotions. The 'noise' of our internal landscape can be deafening.
Far better to be busy in our heads listening or doing than feeling exposed and vulnerable to how we feel about ourselves.

This disconnection from our heart  feels safer and yet it is slowly killing us.

I love spending time with myself. In my role as a gardener I get many chances on most days to be with myself and to hear and check out how I am. Some days I have my radio on and on those days I know that I am wanting distraction from my feelings including my feelings of loneliness, for gardening can be a solitary occupation.

Any time I use electronic media then I know I am avoiding something internal. I don't give myself a hard time about this but the awareness helps me to make sense of what is going on.

When I am fully in the moment, then I have no need of extractions, for connection to what I am doing is enough. I have no wish to have my attention anywhere but what I am doing. Being in the now takes practice for it can be exhausting until it becomes my default. If I need alternative distraction then I am disconnecting from nowness.

A friend gave me a you tube connection to a man called Braco. He is a beautiful person who has a gaze which can touch a persons heart and make it seem like anything is possible.

I believe that when we are able to fully be present all the time then we all have the power to offer this to each other and ourselves.
In connection we rock, and that is with internal music. The joy of living.

So.....this Love thing?

So, this Love thing.......................
If I choose to love myself then I will willingly take responsibility for my actions for I am awake and living my own life. My heart is connected and warm life giving blood is coursing through my body. My mind is active and my limbs have a fluidity of movement.
I will connect with you and know you are love too.
I laugh, I smile, I love, I connect, I see me, I see you, I love you, I love me.
WOW!
Say those words out loud. Feel their power, their restorative nature.
The truth is that we were born that way.

Irrespective of how our minds have corrupted these feelings, they are still our fundamental default.

We may be scared of connecting with these feelings.....WHY?

Because somewhere, somehow we have learned  a belief that it is not true.

IN TRUTH we are not lovable,  not good enough, not wanted,

Whose truth is that? Where did we learn that?

We learnt this quite possible at our conception and there have been messages right through our lives to keep us from experiencing and connecting with our true essence.

We have been literally brainwashed into believing that the world is a scary place. That to love is to get hurt. To fear is the safest place. Stay locked away and disconnected both from self and others.

The famous warlords knew that to divide or disconnect was the way to conquer and society continues this plan. Whilst we fear life the we will not question the truth of it. We will do as we are told and never shake the tree.

To find love for ourselves and ultimately to remember that as we are all love then there is not space for fear in this physical world.

Courage is required to break the stranglehold of fear. Risk being a fool for love....no. Risk being all that we can be.

We are not well served by small minded fearful beliefs.

What right have we to deny who we truly are?

It is time to take full responsibility for all our actions, responses and thoughts.

I Love You

Wild man talking: The power of our belief systems and The Power of C...

Wild man talking: The power of our belief systems and The Power of C...: I have had an amazing journey during the past 6 weeks. I have come to the understanding in a very real way how our traumas of childhood sha...

The power of our belief systems and The Power of Clearing

I have had an amazing journey during the past 6 weeks.
I have come to the understanding in a very real way how our traumas of childhood shape our adult lives and create the life we believe we deserve.
Seems simple, I know, but for me it is my truth.
I have had the joy and pleasure of meeting my authentic self at last and I love me.

I have always believed that my birth mother couldn't wait to give me away and get on with her life. That she didn't want to keep me and love me. I was unloved and unlovable, not allowed to have what I wanted.

This belief has affected all of my life. I felt disconnected with myself and anyone who thought I was in relationship with. I always wanted children but I was unaware of why. I believed that it was to give the child the love I didn't believe I got. What I now realise is that I wanted a child to heal my pain and to receive the unconditional love from the child. How harmful would that be for any child?
I married a woman who didn't want children and my belief was that I could change her mind. This didn't happen during the course of 29 years and in the end I left the marriage a resentful man. The fault did not lie with my ex wife for she was constant in her decision. And I have come to realise that I set this woman up to fail. My belief was that I couldn't have what I wanted and so I stayed with her for 29 years to prove it to myself thus damaging us both in the process. I do realise that she had her own decisions within the relationship but at last I can own mine.
My businesses crashed as did I because my foundation stones were built on shifting sands.
My traumas at 6 weeks old have shaped my life.

I have recently attended some training in the USA led by Sandy Levey-Lunden called The Power of Clearing. A tool which can help shift our false belief systems and allow us to forgive ourselves for believing them and forgive ourselves for forgetting that we are innocent, whole, complete and beautiful. that we are all truly connected  and are love itself.

Sandy is an amazing person who formed this tool into something powerful and simple. Clearing is as effective as you choose it to be. The more present you are then the more effective and you can clear as often as you feel, as life does throw triggers at us to challenge and create insecurity.

I have cleared my beliefs around money, sex, time, love, women and there is more to do. My world feels brighter, bigger and more complete. I have been able to write a letter to my birth mother asking to meet, to my ex wife asking to meet and take my responsibility for my actions.

There remained an edge to my struggle. A non verbal remnant which was a persistent little bugger, which didn't want to be cleared. I had chance of some re-birthing work whilst at the training. The last edge was on  of not trusting anyone particularly my birth mum and also myself that I wouldn't be ok.
Jonathan took me through the process with such love and care. I was able to be re-born, to vocalise my baby feelings to the point of exhaustion. As I sat in the after process I realised that the fight I had to be born was due, not to my mum's shame about me but because she knew that once I was in the world then I was going to be taken from her. She loved me and probably still does. I am lovable and I am loved and this realisation has allowed me to drop my mistrust of everything, let go of my need to control and live in 'The Now'.

This is a whole new world to me and I am slowly acclimatising.   Brilliant.

And I am now trained in the Power of Clearing and so can offer this to anyone who feels ready to do the work.
Check me out at www.wildmantalking.com

Wild man talking: International Men's Day.....You are having a laugh...

Wild man talking: International Men's Day.....You are having a laugh...: I wonder what it will take for men to take their emotional and psychological health seriously?      Myself and two other men created a spa...

International Men's Day.....You are having a laugh

I wonder what it will take for men to take their emotional and psychological health seriously?

     Myself and two other men created a space for men to engage with themselves and other men. We advertised, talked with men in the street and waited for men to come. Sadly men did not feel able to come for a myriad of reasons I am sure and on top of that my own projections.

    I am disappointed, a little angry and saddened at a missed opportunity. 

   I have been in my own process for 15 years and know that only when we are ready will we seek out our own inner wisdom and peace and even then only when our courage is available.

   Is it that we, as men, dismiss our own value to ourselves and the greater good? 

  Are we so regulated by societal expectations that it is hard to see around the edges?

Patriarchy stultifies both genders.

  What disaster would it take for men to fully step into their hearts and actively seek support and community either with other men or with both genders?

  I firmly believe that that time is now before we sleep walk into our demise. 

Men. I am here and available, as are many men in our community, to support, inform, listen and love you all for who you are.

What is the risk?

What is the cost to stay in a painful, lonely place?

You are not alone and never have been even if you believe your own story. 

Be proud to be a man and be proud to be who you are....not from a place of arrogance and ego but simply from your heart. This world needs you to share your love, your passion and your belief in a more compassionate world.

I dare you

  

Grief

My partners step dad died between christmas and new year. I have been supporting both my partner, her son and her mum with financial sorting, practical and emotional support. I have been aware of a tightening within myself.....a feeling of keeping something at arms length until the time is right. There has been a necessary practically reality to this postponement and now is my time.
For me, my tightening is about not wanting to collapse into grief when I have life to get on with and this balancing is difficult. My body is tired from the strain, my heart is slowly hardening to hold the goo within, my head is working overtime to find reasons not to 'give in'.
Tears are not so far away yet I am hanging on. I don't feel supported to allow my grief to manifest fully. I am waiting for my next igroup and gathering to open my heart to my warrior brothers. I know that I can be all of me with these men.
I have worked hard on trusting men with me and I now feel an assuredness with these particular men. Historically I have always mistrusted men and leant towards women for my support. Yet I now feel that the true difference between the genders has become more obvious for me. How can I expect a woman to 'get' me when she is not programmed to be a man? I offer this not as a criticism merely as a truth for me.
Yet what I am finding is that as I show my vulnerability to other men and feel a sense of shared experience then trust becomes true. I can open my heart and reveal all the shadowy aspects of me that before even I didn't want to acknowledge.
Grief looms large in many men's picture. Many losses which go unacknowledged and 'buried' (no irony there then).
We loose our place in the womb, we grow away or are pushed from the breast. Our Fathers may well ensure that we are separated from mother as an aspect of growing up into adulthood. We may well loose our connection to our emotions and thus ourselves.
Grief is a very important aspect of any therapeutic work with men and one which can be the easiest to see but the hardest to access.
Big boys don't cry..................how many times do we hear that in our lives.
It is time to change that instruction.

So what are we fearful of?

Oh my goodness! The world is such a scary place.
There are monsters around every corner.
Oh no they are just in my mind. Am I going mad?
Why are we so scared of getting on with our lives? Why do we let every one of our actions be guided by what others may think?
I have an internal dialogue going on constantly when I forget who I am.
I am amazing.
And yet my experiences in child hood would refute that truth.
The conditioning we receive as children stands us in good stead for the rest of our lives.
That is not true.
We have the potential to rewrite our life scripts. We can become who we truly are.
The question is DARE WE TAKE THAT RISK?
If we are able to relax down into our bodies and feel the truly amazing things that go on within the body then we can get to know ourselves.
Whilst we stay in our minds and intellectualise everything we do, we will never know ourselves.
Our minds will not allow this to happen easily. Our mind will fight to keep control. It is an amazing piece of kit but it is not who we are.
Our bodies function in the NOW and by staying in our bodies we can also be NOW.
Our mind wants us to use future predictions to manage us. We can't do this because ......will happen.
If we stay in the now and our friends family are there as well then a truly honest transaction will occur.
It is what it is.
Of course I am completely in the now? No I am not however I aspire to be so. And by being conscious of that aspiration I can stay more present more often.
I have just returned from staffing the NWTA with the Mankind Project UK.
I attended my warrior training last year and found a fundamental shift in my way of being and so as a staff man I wanted to facilitate that for other men. WOW not only did I experience the growth in the men on training but also the process brought me gifts of growth.
There were 40 staff men on the weekend with varying degrees of experience and ages. Although this is not a therapeutic experience per se, it does bring up emotional stuff to work with.
I found the gathering of men so supportive and emotionally connecting. I felt cared for and challenged to be all of me.....authentic and aware. And over the course of the 4 days I found a deep sense of acceptance from the men and not only that but I found through this the capacity to accept myself.
I became aware that I like who I am and can be all of me and it's ok. In fact better than ok.
This is a massive shift for me. I feel more grounded and able to walk my space and feel very present.
I would recommend the Mankind Project to any man who feels disconnected with himself. The experience can be life changing.

Mental Health

The subject of Mental Health is massive. We have thousands of our people walking the streets with varying degrees of need for help.
How as a society do we see people with a mental health issue?
I don't believe the stigma is as it was but it still holds fear for many people.
As a nation we loose many hours of working productivity to mental health issues.
We have many deaths due to mental health related issues; suicide, murder, abuse, rape, alcoholism. All addictions can have a basis in mental health.
It feels as if there is something preventing both the will to provide and meet the demand, and the necessary funding to provide the service.
I suppose in this capitalistic society we have at present.......each of us is supposed to meet our own needs.
For me this is outdated.
Our society is so divided between have and have nots.
The have can afford private therapy.
The have nots can only have what the NHS is able or chooses to provide.
We also do not need NICE to tell us what is good for us. One size of therapy does not fit all.
Why do we think this is OK?

I have a degree in Humanisitc Counselling and I have trained in voluntary placements as part of my qualifications. I have a very small private practice which doesn't provide me with sufficient income to meet my families needs which means that I also work as a professional gardener to provide the main financial support.
I want to have more clients and do more work in service to my community. I don't want to be rich, I want to earn enough to meet my families needs.
I would love to be part of a community of counsellors and allied therapists who want to serve the human not take from it.
I loved the speech to the UN by Emma Watson. True gender equality is a need not a luxury and possibly allied to this is the way to engage people in taking care of their mental health.
At present many men are reliant on their partners to tell them when they need help. We need both genders to meet each other in a wholly adult way. Support and cherish each other and truly hear each other.

Shifting an old blockage and recognising its previous usefulness.

    I work as a Professional horticulturist or Gardener to you and me. This summer has been a hard one in terms of work load. I have never been one to shirk work and always give the best of me and often too much of me.
    I have come to realise that , in the process of working hard, I loose myself in the doing and forget to connect to myself on a spiritual dimension. Forgetting to nurture myself and therefore , over time, depleting my spiritual batteries.
    And so what can happen is that I do. Not I am. And in that my family relationships suffer the loss of me.
I realise that this is the modern work life balance issue. Somehow out of awareness I have through financial necessity got lost in the doing work.
    I visited my Homeopath a couple of weeks ago to get a check up and see about getting back in balance and curiously after one of the remedies my body simply refused to move. I ached from head to toe and I had no inclination to move and spent 2 days in bed. On the third day I feel tired but the symptoms as much less and spiritually I feel much lifted. It feels as though an old pattern of behaviour has been moved or unblocked.
Almost as if my White Knight has taken his armour off and is in the process of retirement.

   Who am I trying to prove myself to?
  I know this is my personal journey but I do wonder how many other men are in the same sort of pattern. How can these patterns be brought into their awareness? Who is out there to show the way?

Wild man talking: Out of our heads

Wild man talking: Out of our heads:     I have been Facebooking for while now and have drawn some interesting conclusions.....mine and not yours. But if you share them then say...

Out of our heads

    I have been Facebooking for while now and have drawn some interesting conclusions.....mine and not yours. But if you share them then say so.
  When I read some political or financial postings, there is usually postings about the rights and wrongs of what is stated. Sometimes quite powerful positions are taken.  And yet when something spiritual is posted there may be the odd comment or two.
     It feels to me that when issues arise that focus the mind and present logical or illogical argument  then that is when the human and it seems mainly men become animated and enthused.
    I feel that this is a great place to air our views and could be a great place for a groundswell of opposition to what we feel are injustices. Where does the energy of opposition go? Simply exorcised in the written word? Is that enough or an avoidance? A safe place to speak yet not act.
  Yet for me facebook seems a very heady place. Heart and soul work seems to have little place in  this medium.
   Where do we express our inner world? Is it safer to have a heady opinion and keep our vulnerabilities to more intimate one-to-one contact?
    Yet the whole purpose of facebook is seemingly to replace intimacy. We are no longer truly connected.
I guess facebook is a place to arrange meet ups but do they happen.
     Staying connected is great but not at the expense of true connection.

Wild man talking: connecting to our amazing self

Wild man talking: connecting to our amazing self:           I am still trying to come to terms with the death of Robin Williams. I cant believe that he is dead. He seems to have been part of...

connecting to our amazing self

          I am still trying to come to terms with the death of Robin Williams. I cant believe that he is dead. He seems to have been part of my life for ever. I have always looked forward to his next brilliant piece of work.
       I find myself feeling tearful and a little lost. It feels like a part of me is lost with him. This man touched my life with his crazy, vulnerability. He was able to show all of himself to the world without the world realising it. He was a true great. I guess this is part of the human condition......when we show ourselves and our amazing capabilities we also seem to share our vulnerable side as well.
    You know what? Why can't a man be both amazing and vulnerable? We can't be the white knight for all our lives, can we? And yet in showing my vulnerabilities I end up feeling too exposed and uncertain what others may think of me.
     Sometimes I feel so amazing and capable of absolutely anything and for those moments I feel so whole and more than. When I see others in their moments I feel so connected. We humans are so fantastic, amazing, full of gold. We need to shine more often. Let us be all that we can be......we owe it to ourselves and the rest of humanity.

Holding men to account

       Whoa......this is a biggy. During my trainings  I learnt how to hold myself to account for any broken agreements either with other men or with myself.
      This has been more challenging than I first felt. Not only do I have to consider what I am prepared to commit to doing but I also have to not simply apologise if I fail to keep my agreement but I also have to speak about what I found more important than honouring my agreement. This keeps commitment and agreement not only real but very live. Also the challenge is not to hide from agreements but to throw myself into them and stretch myself with accountability issues where relevant.
      When I am with my male friends within the mens circles I feel so connected and also very challenged.....almost as if they can see into my soul and my darkest corners. And yet all my darkness and vulnerabilities are welcome within the circle. Once men have this way of being then trust becomes less of a problem.
     I feel this way of being helps to keep me honest and in integrity. Maybe if we could be like this as people of the world there would be less 'problems' as all responsibilities would be taken for any actions.
   I now bring that way of being into my life fully and it has improved all my relationships especially with my partner and her two sons.......Much more healthy.
   

Mature masculine archetypes

I have just returned from a 'guts' workshop; working with the masculine archetypes. Diving down deep into my own psyche swimming around and finding much work to do.

I camped overnight outside Bradford on Avon. What a beautiful town and countryside. History lives well in this area. Ancestral energies abound. The camping was enjoyable being among nature in all its forms. I had the joys of snorers, farters and sleep talkers and shouters.......oh the joys of the human condition!
However waking with the birds on a beautiful day set me up for the work I needed to do.

The workshop was part of the work MKP uk offer. A chance for men to get a sense of who they are and how they would like to be in the world. How to work towards a more mature masculine way of being. this work is valuable to the whole community and I would recommend it to anyone who is impacted by immature aspects of masculinity.

I am feeling calm, tired, thoughtful and an inner sense of joy, sadness and willingness to integrate the work I have done.

I also met with some men who are all on their own journey and we shared  our stories, our vulnerabilities and our humanity. What a joy

Loving your child within.

Sitting here on a rainy lazy Sunday feeling a mellow sense of joy. I had the pleasure, earlier in the week, of meeting up with a good friend and doing some work on our inner children. I have spent a lot of my live being ashamed of my own inner boy. I felt he was weak, ugly, unloveable and many other negative pictures. I felt held back by him and ashamed that he was part of me.
 How could I acknowledge that he was me and not crumble into that aspect of me which I considered irrelevant as an 'adult'.
 Over the years of therapy, inner work and personal development I have enjoyed a relationship with my child. I have held his hand, looked into his eyes and told him I love him. He is much more trusting now and feels able to be in the world as the beautiful person he is.
  I realise that the child within is not a separate being and I also know he is me. However the work and patience and time it has taken for me to accept who I am (who he is) has been challenging and a mystery.
I will never reject him nor abandon him again. We are one.......me
   

Wild man talking: We all need a pat on the back sometime.

Wild man talking: We all need a pat on the back sometime.: I have come to a really important realisation.........who are we if we don't get affirmation from family and friends? Due to my history...