Sitting here on a rainy lazy Sunday feeling a mellow sense of joy. I had the pleasure, earlier in the week, of meeting up with a good friend and doing some work on our inner children. I have spent a lot of my live being ashamed of my own inner boy. I felt he was weak, ugly, unloveable and many other negative pictures. I felt held back by him and ashamed that he was part of me.
How could I acknowledge that he was me and not crumble into that aspect of me which I considered irrelevant as an 'adult'.
Over the years of therapy, inner work and personal development I have enjoyed a relationship with my child. I have held his hand, looked into his eyes and told him I love him. He is much more trusting now and feels able to be in the world as the beautiful person he is.
I realise that the child within is not a separate being and I also know he is me. However the work and patience and time it has taken for me to accept who I am (who he is) has been challenging and a mystery.
I will never reject him nor abandon him again. We are one.......me
Sunday 25 May 2014
Tuesday 20 May 2014
Wild man talking: We all need a pat on the back sometime.
Wild man talking: We all need a pat on the back sometime.: I have come to a really important realisation.........who are we if we don't get affirmation from family and friends? Due to my history...
We all need a pat on the back sometime.
I have come to a really important realisation.........who are we if we don't get affirmation from family and friends?
Due to my history I have no-one alive in my family who knows me. All my relatives are dead and the older family friends are also no longer here. So I have no long term shared history to place me in the world historically.
A pat on the back is a validation that we are ok. It gives us a sense of who we are and where we fit.
I have decided to have a ceremony at some point this year which will be to forgive my birth mum for giving me up for adoption, to celebrate the joy of being born, and to have an older male to give me the pat on the back for being who I am.
Unconditional positive regard also known as LOVE is so important to us all. It tells us that we are ok and not the bad guy we think we are. We are LOVEABLE.
The emotional work that I am doing with mens groups and MKP is helping me to feel grounded and fully present in the world. I feel that mens recognition of who I am is vitally important to me. I may not know my Birth Father and may never know him but if other men hold me in their hearts then that may be enough.
I feel blessed to know and have men in my life who have good loving hearts.
The world is a better place for these men.
Due to my history I have no-one alive in my family who knows me. All my relatives are dead and the older family friends are also no longer here. So I have no long term shared history to place me in the world historically.
A pat on the back is a validation that we are ok. It gives us a sense of who we are and where we fit.
I have decided to have a ceremony at some point this year which will be to forgive my birth mum for giving me up for adoption, to celebrate the joy of being born, and to have an older male to give me the pat on the back for being who I am.
Unconditional positive regard also known as LOVE is so important to us all. It tells us that we are ok and not the bad guy we think we are. We are LOVEABLE.
The emotional work that I am doing with mens groups and MKP is helping me to feel grounded and fully present in the world. I feel that mens recognition of who I am is vitally important to me. I may not know my Birth Father and may never know him but if other men hold me in their hearts then that may be enough.
I feel blessed to know and have men in my life who have good loving hearts.
The world is a better place for these men.
Saturday 3 May 2014
Feeling male
I have just had a great re-connection with male energies, both mine and others men. I have attended an igroup meeting along with fellow warriors from the MKP brotherhood. During our initiation weekend we were challenged to be more honest, both with ourselves and others. To operate in this world with integrity and to challenge our fears and to be of service.
I have been working with these challenges since the warrior training, but I have found that if I am away from this male energy for too long then the challenges become harder to meet. I know now that I need to be around these energies more often and therefore be challenged by fellow warriors in order to keep me honest and strong.
When I awoke this morning I enjoyed the beauty of the day and set forth in my day with joy and I found some secret energy. Yeehaa
I realise that I need a balance in my life in order to find the balance within myself.
I seem to go into caring and it is the caring which exhausts me. It like I can do it for so long and then my exhaustion closes me down and I can care for no-one, even myself. Almost as if my caring is in order to meet some deep seated need within me and when that need is unmet then I stop and withdraw.
I wonder if somehow I mix being of service and caring up? I want to learn how to be of service and yet fully myself in adult behaviour.
I feel that there are depths of honesty and it is fear that holds me from being deeply honest in asking for my needs to be met. An intrinsic fear of refusal/abandonment. Am I good enough to be able to ask for my need to be met?
This is a process of on going work which, I feel, can be helped by these interactions with truly honest men.
They call me to account and hold me responsible.
I have been working with these challenges since the warrior training, but I have found that if I am away from this male energy for too long then the challenges become harder to meet. I know now that I need to be around these energies more often and therefore be challenged by fellow warriors in order to keep me honest and strong.
When I awoke this morning I enjoyed the beauty of the day and set forth in my day with joy and I found some secret energy. Yeehaa
I realise that I need a balance in my life in order to find the balance within myself.
I seem to go into caring and it is the caring which exhausts me. It like I can do it for so long and then my exhaustion closes me down and I can care for no-one, even myself. Almost as if my caring is in order to meet some deep seated need within me and when that need is unmet then I stop and withdraw.
I wonder if somehow I mix being of service and caring up? I want to learn how to be of service and yet fully myself in adult behaviour.
I feel that there are depths of honesty and it is fear that holds me from being deeply honest in asking for my needs to be met. An intrinsic fear of refusal/abandonment. Am I good enough to be able to ask for my need to be met?
This is a process of on going work which, I feel, can be helped by these interactions with truly honest men.
They call me to account and hold me responsible.
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